Hello everyone! Ready for another instalment of my series ‘Get to know me better’? This time it’s week two, which actually kind of made me think a little harder than last weeks!
What’s the one thing that’s happened to you in your life that made you feel weak?
I honestly had to think about this long and hard, BUT I think that what I’ve decided what has made me feel weak most recently is super incredibly important and should definitely be discussed more often and more openly within family, friends, whoever!
The one thing that’s happened in my life to make me feel week happened a few weeks before Christmas just last year (2016)…
Christmas time usually is my most favourite time of year! I used to love everything about it and then used to be always so excited for New Years too. But for some reason last year I just couldn’t find a way to get into the spirit and found myself more closed in and upset for unknown reasons the closer Christmas got.
So of course, if you’ve spent the last 15+ Christmases getting super excited, you’re going to be a bit ‘wtf @ my brain what are you doing’ because naturally I was super confused by this. It’s meant to be the happiest time of year and I couldn’t help but think about sad things 24/7.
Which is why it was so incredibly hard when I talked to my mum about how I was feeling about this time of year. She had noticed, my dad had noticed and even Caleb had noticed. None of them knew what to say or do, they thought perhaps it was just me being tired from work.
For years I had always toyed around the thought in my head of myself having depression and/or anxiety. Since I had graduated from high school, my anxiety became more obvious and I 100% accepted that. My anxiety stressed me out to the max, kept me shut in for days at a time. Thankfully I have figured out a way to manage it and actually use it for good. I sew silly swear words when I’m anxious and plus I use the adrenaline I get from my anxiety to do things I normally wouldn’t.
Last year I travelled to New Zealand without any family members because I KNEW that I would find it super stressful. I was surrounded by strangers for 2 weeks, jumped out of a plane, got horridly drunk in an unknown area and basically lived more than what I could’ve if I hadn’t gotten my anxiety in control.
I was fine about having anxiety.
But a few days before Christmas 2016, I have found that I do have depression. It’s not ‘official’, it hasn’t been diagnosed. But I really don’t need a doctor to tell me that. I’m planning to see my GP about it asap. This made me feel so incredibly weak, as if I now couldn’t do things because of it. It’s like I’ve been labelled with it, a big neon sign above my head reading ‘yo this girl has depression’.
The reason this made me feel my weakest was because I had always been the glue in my family, friends and other relationships. I was always the one to get others talking again, to make others smile and feel better about things. Having depression and being known as that person that’s always happy and laughing sucks, because no one expects to see you down in the dumps, and they’re not sure how to help, since it’s usually yourself doing that for others.
2017 is hopefully going to be the year that I can wrap my head around being sad, because being sad sometimes is okay. I’ve spent so much of my life thinking that it’s not okay to be sad or cry, and I think that because I’ve bottled this all up for so long, I now spend most of my nights crying myself to sleep and then being sad during what should be really happy times.
Also another thing I’ve already really figured out with this damn thing called depression. People seem to think that depression is linked to being suicidal. Yes, I think about dying a lot of the time. I sometimes feel that everything would be easy, that I’d stop feeling this dull ache in the back of my head all the time. I know I’m not actually going to go through with it, the thought is just always there.
That’s what makes me feel most weak. Having both is a daily battle that I’m always horrified I’ll one day lose.
I’m so sorry for such a sad post tonight, but I hope someone else out there reads this and may realise that what they think about at night when they’re struggling to get to sleep is okay and it’s somewhat normal. I’m lucky I have such awesome people in my life that can ground me.